The Exorcism of Tampa Bay
This is the first year of the Tampa Bay Rays. Before that, they have been known as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays since their inception in 1998 and have finished in last place every season except for one (they vaulted to fourth place out of 5 in 2004). This year, however, they have become enthralled in a pennant race with the defending-champion Boston Red Sox. Yankees? Dead. Orioles? Dead. Blue Jays? Dead. It appears as if this is a two-team race in the second half of the season between the Red Sox and the Devil—-err, Rays. As Charlie would say, “What is goin’ onnnnn in here?”
Could the simple removal of the word “Devil” spring the Rays to the top of the division? Does Jesus really care about baseball? I know he cares about getting people into the end zone, because guys ALWAYS thank him there. He also seems to get mucho respect in post game interviews. Maybe there is something to this. Could Jeebus be involved as well? That seems like quite a stretch. Let’s stick to this devil idea.
Clearly the people in charge of this organization have no clue how to name anything. First of all, Tampa Bay is not even a city. I realize it is describing the area of Tampa, St. Petersburg, etc., but teams are not areas—they are cities. There is a reason it is not the South Beach Heat, the North Side Cubs, or the Redneck Volunteers. Green Bay is an actual city; Tampa Bay is not. Then we move on to the Devil Rays part of the name. Let’s say you own a baseball team. Good stuff. Let’s also say this team is located in an area of 90% old people (yes, I looked it up and that is an actual statistic). What name would most attract them? Satan? You read my mind. Besides driving slow and out-of-control, there is nothing elderly people like more than the King of Darkness. We could have used Sting Rays, Manta Rays, or just plain Rays to begin with, but we need butts in the seats people! If I seriously owned the team I probably would have just gone with the St. Pete Shuffleboarders. OK, so let’s recap:
• Confusing geographical name: Check!
• Satanical reference for no reason: Check!
• Nothing to draw in snow birds, New Englanders, etc.: Check!
Let’s Play!
Alright, so Tampa Bay exorcised the devil and now is playing superb baseball. It is probably the only logical reason anyone could find. It more than likely has nothing to do with getting the #1 draft pick for 17 straight years, finally getting a front office that knew what they were doing (05-06), and re-signing key young players for the future. Nope, I’m sticking with my theory.
In closing, the new nickname Rays was explained by Tampa Bay owner Stuart Sternberg, “A beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida.” I’m sure with Stewie at the helm, it will be smooth sailing for the Rays for decades to come.
Comments from old site:
Written by John
Posted: Wednesday, July 2, 2008 at 12:18 PM
Your message is like crack in written form. I think you should go pro. I like you, you’re crazy. I look forward to hawaiifying your wedding.
Written by Chad
Posted: Tuesday, July 1, 2008 at 5:34 PM
You said, “teams are not areas—they are cities”. I would say cities and states. You should know this because you live in Minnesota! Every team is the Minnesota ______.
Overall a very entertaining article. I found the references to old people in Florida (hey… Florida Marlins) very entertaining. Especially since I lived through it for almost 4 years.
Speaking of states that old people retire to… Arizona Diamondbacks!
It seems like every year there is a team that used to consistently suck big time, that all of a sudden kicks major arse. Then all the sports people say, “This team is for real!” Maybe the Rays of Light will be in the hunt for years to come… but they always say that too. Usually they miss the playoffs by 1 game and say, “Great season.”