Orange Juice and Mayonnaise
Orange juice and mayonnaise. A popular and trendy drink all the rage with the kids? Perhaps. But the ingredients I am referring to could have changed the fortunes of one of the most tortured in all of sports, the Minnesota Timberwolves. O.J. Mayo is one of the best talents in this years NBA draft. If he really tries in the NBA, he has the talents to be a superstar. The Minnesota franchise drafted him, then sent him packing to Memphis for their man-crush Kevin Love. And once again, McHale has drafted possibly the best player in the draft or for his team (see Allen, Ray or Brandon, Roy) and then traded them away. This would be like trying to date the most attractive girl you can but the first night you go out together, you dump her for her alternative, nerdy, weird-looking friend. Except Kevin McHale does this on a consistent basis. And with McHale’s dating record, it is more comparable to those from the South getting busy with their cousins.
The Minnesota Timberwolves have been mismanaged, mis-scouted, and miserable for the better part of two decades. It appears Mr. McHale has a life-time contract for blackmail items he has obtained along his tenure. I cannot get mad at McHale for loving his job. It would be superb to work 2 months a year, scout in your kitchen while watching the Final Four games and eating some sandwiches, and wear ugly sweaters. But it is easy to predict what players and teams this franchise will select:
• 2008 – Kevin Love, 1st Round
o National audience year round, Final Four appearance, much publicity
o Also mentioned affinity for McHale, Bird, & Celtics growing up
o Unclear if Love loves long armpit hair
• 2008 - Nikola Pekovic, 2nd Round
o Commentators plainly said whoever had 1st pick in 2nd round would take
• 2007 – Corey Brewer, 1st Round (National Champion – Florida Gators)
o Back-to-back national champ team, also from Midwest region
• 2007 – Chris Richard, 2nd Round (National Champion – Florida Gators)
o Back-to-back national champ team, also from Midwest region
• 2006 – Randy Foye, 1st Round (in trade w/ Brandon Roy (Rookie of Year))
o Played in Midwest Regional, hosted in Metrodome
• 2006 – Craig Smith, 2nd Round
o Played in Midwest Regional, hosted in Metrodome
I would keep going, but it is too ridiculous. McFail kind of sounds like one of those serial killers when asked why the killed a certain person and their insane response is “They just happened to be around me.” Well, unfortunately it appears the same could be said for Minnesota’s drafting technique. “They were just around me.” That should maybe even be their marketing slogan moving forward.
One of the strangest things about this draft/trade is that the Twolves did not get fleeced, and it is actually not that bad. Normally Minnesota sets up other franchises with easy routes for championships, and that does not appear to be the case. I really love Conley and Mayo, but I do not see it happening any time soon. The Timberwolves unleashed Marko the Magician (for his uncanny ability to trick Adriana Lima) and the cancer that is Antoine Walker. In return, they got an excellent 3-point shooter, and a tall, white tweener who may or may have not been in Color Me Badd.
Alright, nevermind. We want OJ! We want OJ! Derrick Rose may turn out to be great, but he’s got to learn to shoot. Chicago also needs to unload some of those guards (how bout’ MN?). The Beeze is probably crazy. I envision at least one funny headline containing the following words: The Beeze, a camel, Slovenia, one hand grenade, Destiny the dancer, and one riding lawnmower.
I truly believe Ovinton J’Anthony is the real deal. He may have really despised coming to Minnesota to play, but anyone from West Virginia cannot have many rules about where they live. That’s actually a firm rule I have in life.